I had a tough time saying NO. I am sure all of us do. We love to be the knight in shining armour, fighting the wrong battles and getting hurt! Saying ‘No’ is an art. My journey and learning in getting better at this much needed art!
I would Over-think. Over-Analyse. Give-in. Regret.
- Can you help me with this report please? oh yeah!
- Can you help me make this presentation better? Can you present it for me? Sure!
- Can you take care of these things while I am off tomorrow? Have a great time!
- Can you assist over the coming week with turning around a difficult project. Oh is it, whole week? ok.
I realised, I was saying Yes far too often.
No wonder, my performance suffered.
- I couldn’t give my 100% to my priority items.
- I couldn’t give time to hone my hobbies and interests over the weekend
- I was de-prioritising my priorities and taking up other’s needs on a pedestal!
- I was getting flustered with my To-Do list not moving, and here I was being really busy!
- Some of my tasks were turning out to be sophomoric – not the level of quality I used to maintain!
Other people’s needs and tasks were getting a higher precedence than my own priority ones!
Why was I doing this?
- I was actually afraid of hurting others – What if they get offended at my refusal?
- I was trying to create a ‘the Go-To-Man’ image – One No, and the image starts to change!
- I was trying to protect relationships
- I was trying to do much more, even when my curiosity or interest was not in it
- I was getting influenced by people pleasers and hence had started getting FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)
- I didn’t want to confront certain individuals and found that just doing it was better than logical explanations
The truth is, you actually end up burning out, and not doing your best, which translates to reduced trust down the line. It can also lead to being taken for granted, which is definitely not a situation that you want to be in!
How did I start changing?
I realised that I need to change. Like all transformations, this isn’t an overnight one!
- I began by understanding and demarcating my roles & responsibilities better
- I figured out my interest areas, where I would definitely like to help as it also increased my knowledge and would be an asset in the long run
- I made a mental checklist of the low-value items that I would stop doing
- I came up with clear, concise statements on how to say No – it isn’t easy in the beginning, but you got to be assertive
- I created my anchor phrases and practiced them!
Remember, you aren’t doing anything wrong, you are just undoing a lot of wrongs!
Initially, I used to provide a lot of explanation along with my no.
Sorry, I can’t help you on this because…… Then, I realised no one gives a hoot after you have denied. Hence I stopped the excuses. ‘No Excuses, No explanations!’ A firm, polite No is all it takes. You may want to include what you will be doing instead in a very succinct way if required.
Sorry, I can’t take this up. I have this really important presentation that needs to go out by 5:00 PM.
Contrary to what I thought earlier, saying No actually increases the trust and respect that people have for you. People understand and appreciate your response. This also fosters a collaborative environment where the takers also turn givers to help you with your tasks better in exchange!
People see you as an individual with your priorities all sorted out, someone who assists when it is really necessary and is responsible. You commit to a task and you do it to the best of your ability. It actually increases the authenticity quotient with others.
It is not your problem if the requestor takes offence at an invalid request being turned down!
Say No to the unimportant things, so that you can say Yes! to the important ones!